


holy moly, me oh my (you're the apple of my eye)

by minshuas



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: FWB, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-23 18:58:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17085884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minshuas/pseuds/minshuas
Summary: Soonyoung and Wonwoo try to be Best Friends with Benefits. For Wonwoo, there are no benefits in Soonyoung only seeing him as a best friend.





	holy moly, me oh my (you're the apple of my eye)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Blues_it](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blues_it/gifts).



> (pastes the hit or miss copypasta to cope with my existential dread about this being a piece of shit fic that i wish i had done proper justice but have whatever this is!!!!) 
> 
> merry christmas to my recipient! i'm really, really happy to have written for you and i super duper hope you like it even if it isn't all that grandiose or anything. i just kinda jlfdsjf a lot happened. my grandpa was diagnosed with leukemia and my job got even harder all of a sudden and then i got super super sick lfsdjf woe is me am i right?? 
> 
> enjoy! as always, leaving a comment is appreciated!!!

“Alright, get a load of this.” Soonyoung says, pushing the torn-up piece of scrap paper towards Wonwoo. As Wonwoo leans over to look at it, Soonyoung licks at his lips expectantly. “Make sure that’s everything we talked about.” His handwriting is scrawled across the lines in crude detail of everything they had just verbally agreed upon. Ideally, it was a contract with  _ no catching feelings _ at the very top. A phrase that haunts Wonwoo. A fourteen year old ghost that he can’t exorcise no matter what rituals he tries. 

Ghosts aside, he nods. Soonyoung watches as his gaze skims through the list before sliding it back towards Soonyoung. “Are you going to make me sign it?” He raises an eyebrow skeptically. If only Soonyoung knew how unreasonably tight his throat was feeling. 

At the question, Soonyoung laughs. “If you weren’t you, I’d be forcing you to sign it, but I trust you.”

_ Bad move, Kwon Soonyoung _ — With anything else, Soonyoung could blindly trust Wonwoo like this, but this is a delicate situation. Honestly, Wonwoo had thought it was a joke, but suspected joke had quickly spiralled out of control until they were mutually agreeing on the stipulations of their  _ Best Friends with Benefits Contract _ . The whole thing seemed to be part of a very intricate joke, but the real punchline was that neither had backed out of this yet. Somewhere down the line, playful joking turned to a serious consideration turned to a done deal. 

To say Wonwoo was freaking out would be an understatement, but Soonyoung is none the wiser. 

“O—kay,” Soonyoung draws out, folding the piece of paper in half, then in half again. The air isn’t exactly awkward, but something’s changed after writing this list. “Do we just wanna… jump into it?” The way he asks is cautious.It sounds like Soonyoung’s still trying to sell him on the idea, but it might just be that he wants to make sure this is really alright with him. They’ve known each other for so long that Soonyoung knows Wonwoo’s reactions even when he tries to hide them.  _ Can he tell how nervous he is now?  _

Wonwoo shrugs, which is apparently the wrong answer since Soonyoung sighs, loudly, in response. “What?” Wonwoo leans forward, touching Soonyoung’s knee gently. The touch is too gentle for mere friends. It lingers too long, but Soonyoung doesn’t get it. Somehow he doesn’t feel any of the love that Wonwoo tries to pour into him through touch alone. “I don’t mind ‘jumping into it.’” His voice is quiet as he tries to pacify Soonyoung, but it sounds like he’s trying to convince himself too. No matter what, Wonwoo doesn’t want to upset Soonyoung because he’s just not currently in the mood. “I’m not exactly in the mood, but I…  _ We  _ can try.” 

If Wonwoo hadn’t been watching him, he would have missed how Soonyoung’s face brightened at his words.  _ We can try _ , Wonwoo had said. Those were his feelings about the whole situation. There was really no other way to sum it up other than that.  _ We can try.  _ Meaning, Wonwoo can try, for Soonyoung. That’s usually the way things were anyway. “Really?” He asks, and Wonwoo feels so awkward about it that he almost backs out then and there. 

‘ _ Nope! I was just kidding. This is so strange! I’ve had feelings for you for years, but no strings attached sex with you scares me, especially when I already broke one of our amendments by catching feelings for you fourteen years ago! Oh, yeah, did I not mention that ever before? Sorry! I just never really knew how to bring it up, plus isn’t it fucked that I have feelings for you but I’m shying away from this set up? Well, I’m just a little fucked!’  _ He could see Soonyoung’s reaction clear as day in his mind: the confusion as he realizes the depth of Wonwoo’s confession; the hurt as he realizes that he’s been lied to by his best friend who has never lied to him before unless it was about surprise parties; the disgust as he walks away from everything they’ve built together. 

Maybe backing out is just as bad of an idea. 

“Sure, we can try. Right now. No guarantees though. You get what you get from me.” It is massively awkward, but Soonyoung doesn’t catch on, or it might be that he’s known Wonwoo for so long that he knows this is how he responds to intimacy. Wonwoo’s still a virgin for a reason, although Soonyoung doesn’t have to know  _ all  _ the dirty details of his failed sexcapades. He knows about the time that Wonwoo claimed he got rabies from his date’s dog just so they didn’t have to have sex and that’s all anyone needed to know about Wonwoo’s sex life. 

It has been months for Soonyoung, or maybe even a year now, but that doesn’t really matter. It isn’t like Wonwoo’s been counting. Soonyoung says it has been entirely too long for them,  _ especially  _ for Wonwoo who never got to experience anything more than a couple handjobs and exactly two (2) blowjobs. It was about time that Soonyoung spiced up his life. Wonwoo just wishes that it wasn’t literally  _ Soonyoung  _ spicing up his life. With sex. 

“If you don’t like something or you want me to stop or—” Wonwoo really wants him to stop listing things that he already knows, so he does the only logical thing: smashes their lips together. 

Which is fine! They’ve kissed before. This is nothing new! 

Actually, Soonyoung was Wonwoo’s first kiss, but he might have maybe lied a little bit about that one. He didn’t want to seem like a total loser,  _ plus  _ he doesn’t want to admit that Soonyoung is pretty much all of his firsts: first friend, first best friend, first crush, first kiss, and now he’ll be his first time too. It isn’t anything for Wonwoo to be sentimental towards, right? It doesn’t matter that they’re kissing right now and Soonyoung’s hand is snaking up his shirt and brushing against his bare skin. It feels so good, but it doesn’t matter. Wonwoo isn’t supposed to get attached to this. As he’s kissing Soonyoung, his mind is flashing lights and ringing alarms and the phrase  _ no feelings  _ growing bigger and bigger. 

How impossible it was for anyone to expect him to not develop feelings for Kwon Soonyoung. Even said boy himself. 

“Stop, stop.” Soonyoung says, pulling away. “Where are you at?” 

The question throws Wonwoo for a minute. “What?” After kissing Soonyoung for even a minute, he’s having trouble regaining his bearings.  _ Why is he pulling away? What did I do wrong?  _ Soonyoung’s hand is still on his chest and it feels like heated iron. “What do you mean? I’m right here.” 

“It feels like you are trying to be somewhere else when I’m kissing you. Don’t do that, Jeon Wonwoo.” Soonyoung warns. It feels like his feelings are hurt, but why would his feelings be hurt if there are no feelings involved. Would he laugh if Wonwoo pointed that out? No, what’s more likely is that he’d continue wearing this worried, screwed up expression that makes Wonwoo want to run. “Don’t get lost in your head like you’ve done before.” 

He’s hinting at the rabid dog owner. Wonwoo might have confessed that he always felt like he was kissing someone else when he kissed him. Little did Soonyoung know, it was him that Wonwoo wanted to be kissing. 

“Just nervous.” He says, trying to avoid any mention of his past exploits. “Keep kissing me.” 

At that, Soonyoung grins. It makes his heart skip a beat, but he doesn’t say anything as he bites at his lips, trailing kisses down to his neck. The kissing game is one that he actually knows how to play,  _ especially  _ with Soonyoung. He is for a multitude of reasons, but mostly: he’s single Soonyoung’s makeout buddy, and he’s retained every detail about what Soonyoung likes. If he didn’t learn it himself already, then he had learned it from Soonyoung talking about this or that date night, boyfriend, or random hookup. 

He bites into his neck, fingernails digging into his hip bones, and Soonyoung whines, scratching his blunt nails against Wonwoo’s chest. Wonwoo doesn’t know what’s different about this time compared to the other times, but Soonyoung clings tighter to him. He wonders if it has to do with the endgame tonight. Desperately, he wants it to be because he knows exactly what Soonyoung likes and where he likes it. Even though this is about sex, he doesn’t want it to be. Lazily, he laps at the bite mark with his tongue, swirling it around the injured skin as his thoughts plague him. If he pulls back, he knows that Soonyoung will notice how he’s got that faraway look again. 

“Wonwoo,” Soonyoung’s pouting. Even though he’s not looking at him, he can tell from his tone. 

His hands are tugging on his shirt and Wonwoo gets the message as he pulls it off. This body of his is not a mystery to Soonyoung who has grown up with it, but they still haven’t been like this in years. The last time they had laid shirtless together had been at sixteen after a trip to the beach. While Wonwoo is pulling off his own, Soonyoung gets rid of his. 

_ Are we rushing this?  _

On a whim, Wonwoo decides he wants to go slower and savor this. If this is going to be his first time, then he’s going to be the one to set the pace and the rhythm. With their shirts off, Wonwoo invades his personal space to kiss him again. His tongue slides against Soonyoung’s bottom lip and he kisses him deep, how he’s always wanted to kiss him, but never worked up the nerve. For once, Soonyoung lets him lead because Wonwoo’s not playing the part of a passive engager, instead, his eagerness is bleeding through as he digs his fingers into the soft, pliant skin of Soonyoung’s hips to pull him flush against him. This could work. 

No words pass between them as Wonwoo’s lips detour again. This time though, they go lower, scattering kisses across Soonyoung’s collarbones and then sinking even lower until his chest is covered in tiny kisses and bites. There’s something in the way that Soonyoung reacts to him that Wonwoo finds himself intoxicated by. Kneeling down on the floor, Wonwoo makes up a new constellation against Soonyoung’s hip bones 

“Bedroom?” Soonyoung asks breathlessly. 

With his request, Wonwoo complies easily. Soonyoung hooks his fingers into his belt loops and pulls until they are falling backwards through the hallway towards Soonyoung’s bedroom. Even though they live together, Soonyoung’s bedroom is usually the safest bet since Wonwoo likes to keep his work scattered across his room. And as much as he likes Soonyoung, he doesn’t think ruining his work for the sake of noncommittal, no feelings sex is really something he’s up for right now. Maybe later. 

They don’t shut the door because this is their home. Does that make it awkward? Knowing they can’t just run away afterwards? Soonyoung pulls, but he never pushes. Even when they are falling onto the bed, Soonyoung cradles Wonwoo like he’s something precious. It makes his heart burst and bleed his disgusting feelings. It gives him the briefest glimpse of hope, but he knows that this has nothing to do with love. Soonyoung is just looking for pleasure and Wonwoo apparently loves pain. 

“Do—” Soonyoung starts the same moment Wonwoo says “Can—.” 

Then they are back to familiarity, laughter, smiles. This is something Wonwoo can understand. Maybe he’s anxious and confused, but Soonyoung tethers him down into the moment with his laughter. What they are about to do doesn’t define who they are. While he’s laughing, Wonwoo leans in to kiss him hard, like he’s always wanted to do. The amount of times they have sat together laughing and the amount of times Wonwoo has wanted to kiss him because his heart ached so bad to know he brought him to that laughter were equal. 

This time, when he kisses him, he runs his fingers through his hair and presses him down into the softness of the mattress. His tongue slides over Soonyoung’s and there’s this noise that slips into the air between them that makes Wonwoo’s knees weak. His head is spinning as he kisses the only person he’s ever wanted to really kiss like this.

And it hurts so badly. The ache in his chest doesn’t really go away as they’re kissing. Instead, it grows more intense until Wonwoo pulls away, chest heaving from lack of breath. “I can’t do this.” He says, breathlessly. 

When Soonyoung reaches out with a comforting hand, Wonwoo draws away. “Are you okay? Did I do something?” 

“No, no. It isn’t—” What could he say other than the truth? “I just can’t do it right now. We can try again, yeah?” 

The look on Soonyoung’s face is suspicious, but he doesn’t say no as he draws away too. “Sure,” he whispers, sliding to sit next to Wonwoo. It takes every ounce of Wonwoo’s self-control to stay put. The ache flares up like someone’s reaching inside him and twisting his organs around. Of course, Soonyoung cares enough about him to stay and try to talk this out. Wonwoo is a fool for thinking that this is something they could just run away from, especially when there is nowhere to run. They  _ live  _ together. Maybe Wonwoo could make his way to Mingyu’s place, but even then, he doesn’t want to. He  _ wants  _ to stay with Soonyoung even if it’s painful. He’s used to it by now anyways. In the moment, it was just too much. 

“Can I ask what happened?” Soonyoung looks over at him shyly. His hands are in his lap, but Wonwoo knows that he probably wants to reach out and hold one of Wonwoo’s to try to calm him down. Internally, he wonders why he doesn’t just do it. 

To show he’s not upset with Soonyoung, Wonwoo  does what Soonyoung won’t, twining their fingers together lazily. “You can ask, but I don’t know.” His lies are light because if he were to concoct one with any merit, Soonyoung would see through him. “I just think we should give it another chance later. You hungry?” Derailing the subject might not be the best course of action either, but this time, Soonyoung lets it slide with a nod. 

“Yeah, let’s go fix some dinner.” He agrees easily. A little too easily, but Wonwoo doesn’t question it, just takes his hand and pulls him up from the mattress. Deep down, he knows that this won’t work out, but he can’t stand letting Soonyoung down. 

If only Soonyoung knew that part. 

 

They don’t try again for almost a month. Wonwoo obsesses about it frequently because he thinks that Soonyoung has figured him out and is waiting for the perfect time to talk to him about it. In reality, Soonyoung has no idea about Wonwoo’s hidden feelings. They’ve both been busy with work. Busy to the point where Soonyoung comes home and goes straight to bed some nights. With work and dance and chores for him, there’s not much energy to be had elsewhere, especially in the bedroom. For Wonwoo, it should be a sweet reprieve, but he’s too busy being hyper focused on the possibility of Soonyoung either (a) asking him to try it again or (b) knowing why Wonwoo backed out of it the last time. 

When Soonyoung brings it up again, Wonwoo is brushing his teeth. 

“Are you in the mood tonight?” He asks, making Wonwoo choke on some fluoride. Quickly, he spits and rinses his mouth out. It gives him a moment to collect himself even though Soonyoung’s just asked him like he’s wondering if he’s in the mood for pizza for dinner tonight, not like he’s asking him to have sex. “I feel sex-iled, or whatever. Is that a thing that people say still? Are you sex-iling me?” 

Wonwoo peeks out of the bathroom to find Soonyoung hanging off his bed. “Can I be if we’ve never had sex before?” He narrows his eyes at Soonyoung who just sticks his tongue out. 

It feels more like an invitation than a taunt. “Virgins suck. They don’t even know if they are sex-iling a person until said person is tired of getting themselves off. Please have sex with me, O’ Virgin Wonwoo. We have a deal.” There’s something playful in his eyes that tricks Wonwoo into thinking that this is all normal. Honestly, there are a lot of moments that Wonwoo is convinced that they are dating — have been dating for awhile. It makes his answer easier as he pads across the carpet, making his way to his bed. The illusion just can’t shatter.

Soonyoung seems somewhat surprised, but he doesn’t say anything, just climbs up onto his knees and crawls over to the side of the bed to meet Wonwoo a third of the way. “Did that just work?” He tilts his head in a way that Wonwoo finds absolutely endearing. 

“Calling me O’ Virgin Wonwoo is an instant turn-on. Did you know?” Wonwoo snorts, winding his arms around Soonyoung’s waist. It had nothing to do with what Soonyoung had said, but instead, it existed in the way he had said them. There was a sickening type of normalcy in his words. The type of normal that could trick Wonwoo into thinking that this might be a good idea. It is only the mention of the deal that haunts Wonwoo and reduces his confidence ounce by ounce. 

As if he knows he could lose him any second, Soonyoung tugs on Wonwoo until they are both falling back onto the bed. Soonyoung’s back hits the downy fabric first and Wonwoo follows, falling into Soonyoung. There must be surprise on his face, but Soonyoung kisses it off with gentle pecks. “So cute,” he coos quietly, resting a hand on his jaw. 

Kissing is still something that Wonwoo can do, but it is a little harder when he knows that the kissing is going to lead to something more than just the press of their bodies together for a moment longer than necessary. “Calling me cute is very not sexy.” Wonwoo laughs, trapping Soonyoung in to ambush him on his path to his lips. They kiss and it feels so easy. To Wonwoo, it is as simple as breathing. Everything’s always been too easy with Soonyoung. Well, everything except having sex. 

He doesn’t know why he’s so scared of it. It isn’t like he’s putting some special weight on the meaning of sexual encounters. Also, it has very little to do with it being his first time. Mostly, he thinks that it has everything to do with the fact that they made a deal that said “no feelings” and Wonwoo was betraying that agreement. He had been betraying it the moment that phrase had been written and he had accepted it as though that eradicated his feelings for Soonyoung. It isn’t about the sex as much as it is about betraying Soonyoung’s trust. 

“What would be sexy then?” Soonyoung asks with Wonwoo’s lips at his neck. He’s too nervous to kick it up a notch. If a soft sound finds its way into the space between them, then Wonwoo won’t be able to lose himself in this moment. This random surge of confidence will disappear into thin air. For now, he likes how easy this is. It reminds him of the first time they had kissed. There’s a burn in his chest that feels exactly like that time. It reminds Wonwoo that Soonyoung owns this infuriating, pounding organ in his chest. 

Wonwoo is his, even if Soonyoung doesn’t belong to him in return. 

His tongue tastes the saltiness of Soonyoung’s skin. “I think nothing would get me in the mood better than you singing ‘Give It to Me’ by Sistar.” There’s laughter at his ear that makes him feel on top of the world. His whole soul is quiet for a moment because the sound of Soonyoung’s breathless laughter is all he needs to be happy. Quietly, Soonyoung starts to sing the lyrics, arms wrapping around Wonwoo’s waist. Exaggeratedly, Wonwoo sighs dreamily, pulling away from him to look at him.  _ Really  _ look at him. 

When he does, he falls off whatever pedestal he had managed to climb upon. Fondness weighs Wonwoo down and while it should ground him in the moment, it takes him downstream. There’s no panic in his movements, but he moves away from Soonyoung deliberately, rejecting him. For a second, while he’s moving away, it seems like Soonyoung’s figured everything out, but then confusion is coloring his expression. 

This starts to happen exactly how Wonwoo had imagined it. 

First will be the confusion, then the disgust. Wonwoo doesn’t want to stick around to see it though. Even as he climbs off the bed, he knows this isn’t the right way to deal with it. If he were braver, then he would spill his heart out to Soonyoung. Maybe things would start to change after that, but Wonwoo’s always been a coward. 

“What?” Soonyoung’s brow scrunches up. He looks so small in the ocean of sheets piled on his bed. 

“Can I have a minute?” Wonwoo knows he looks like a mess. “I just… need a minute.” 

With Soonyoung still on the bed and Wonwoo standing in the middle of the room, there’s a tension that Wonwoo can’t comprehend. He’s never felt it before, so he’s thrown off balance. “Sure,” Soonyoung tilts his head, blinking innocently and Wonwoo so badly wants to kiss him. But he wants to kiss him and for it to mean something. He wants it to mean everything. “Are you okay? Do you want me to be more serious?” 

“No,” Wonwoo wrenches his eyes shut so he can’t see Soonyoung. It does nothing to stop his mind and heart from betraying him. “There isn’t anything wrong with this. Just with me.” 

There’s a rustle of fabric. Some footsteps. Wonwoo wills himself to keep his eyes closed. “Wonwoo.” Soonyoung whispers his name and he’s right underneath his fingertips in a heartbeat. A sharp intake of breath. When Wonwoo opens his eyes, he’s holding onto Soonyoung as though he’s only temporary. “You don’t have to be scared of this. You can tell me what’s wrong. We don’t have to do this.” His tone is gentle. Above all, they are best friends. 

That might hurt more than it should. It comes as an ache in the middle of the chest and it radiates all the way down to his fingertips. Wonwoo doesn’t want anyone else as his best friend, wants to maintain their friendship no matter what, but there’s something painful about Soonyoung only thinking of them as friends when Wonwoo wants to be so much more than that. They don’t have to be just friends. 

“It isn’t… Soonie.” He shakes his head, thumb rubbing circles against Soonyoung’s cheek. Trying to be honest without telling him the truth is so hard. He wonders if Soonyoung can feel him trembling from the yearning. The years of yearning for something he’s bound to never have. Right now though, he’s so close to it. That’s why he has to take a step back. He should’ve never agreed to this in the beginning, but he had thought he was capable of controlling himself. It is his fault that he’s fallen in love and it hurts this much. “I don’t think I can do this.” 

“That’s okay!” Soonyoung says, smiling easily as he leans into Wonwoo’s touch. “Don’t worry about it, Wonwoo. We promised to  _ try _ , and that we did! No hard feelings!” 

His words should be reassuring, but Wonwoo can’t help but feel like he let Soonyoung down. Standing so close to him, Wonwoo can see how his expression is clouded over. If Soonyoung’s come to realize the truth behind this, then all Wonwoo hopes is that they will remain friends after it. The one thing that Wonwoo can’t lose is Soonyoung. He would take a lifetime of yearning before he’d give up his best friend. Sacrificing his feelings is a small price to pay. With time, he could learn to get over Soonyoung, but he wouldn’t be able to cope if he left. 

“I mean it,” Soonyoung’s voice is soft. His fingers are intertwining with Wonwoo’s. “It’s okay. I’m not upset.” 

Still, it isn’t easy for Wonwoo to believe. “Can we go to bed now?” Wonwoo is so quiet that he’s almost inaudible. But Soonyoung hears him and nods. When he pulls Wonwoo back onto the bed, he’s too gentle. If Wonwoo closes his eyes, then it feels like Soonyoung loves him back. But only if he closes his eyes because otherwise the illusion shatters. With his eyes closed, he doesn’t have to see the expression Soonyoung is making. 

With his eyes closed, he can just play pretend for one more night. 

 

“Why doesn’t he want to have sex with me?” Soonyoung is pouting, hanging over the cubicle separating him from Mingyu. Half of the office can hear him, but Soonyoung’s never been one for modesty. Mingyu rolls his eyes and tries his best not to get fired for indecency at work. “Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with him? Do you think he’s hiding something? Like an eleventh toe or a hairy butt? What if he’s just self-conscious? I don’t mind if he has a hairy butt! Eleven toes is a little unfortunate, but I can get over that too! We made an  _ agreement _ , Mingyu. Do you think that he thinks that I forced him into it? It has to be me, right? Does he think I’m ugly?” 

Mingyu lets him get it out, fingers typing out an appropriate email to his professor. No one really does work  _ at  _ work. Well, at least, not when the boss isn’t around at least. “Have you ever thought about how it might just be overwhelming for him since you two are best friends and he’s never had sex before? Meanwhile, you share all of your sexcapades with him.” He rolls his eyes, glancing over at Soonyoung. 

“Don’t slutshame me for enjoying sex,” Soonyoung warns, still pouting. 

“I’m not. I’m saying that Wonwoo might be uncomfortable with that… in, like, the I’ve-never-had-sex-before way.” He sighs, proofreading over the email quickly. The last thing he wants is for the professor to get an unfortunate email because his head-to-mouth-to-hand filter malfunctioned. “Don’t go bothering him about it either. I know how you are. I bet he feels like an asshole for blue balls-ing you twice. Honestly, Wonwoo can be an asshole, but he hates disappointing you, so I bet even something as mindless as this upset him.” 

Mingyu  _ really _ wishes that he didn’t get pulled into so many of these rants. Especially since he’s their mutual friend. He can’t stand knowing both sides and how they could reconcile their problems if they just used their heads. Because that’s just it most of the time, they never use their heads. If they did, Soonyoung would know about Wonwoo’s feelings for him and Wonwoo would realize that the only way to really get through to him is by telling him. Although… Mingyu isn’t sure that he would be able to confess to Soonyoung either in he were Wonwoo. There’s something about him that makes everything impossible. Or… maybe that’s just Mingyu’s fondness of him wearing off. 

“Listen, though,” Soonyoung throws his body over the cubicle wall a little more. Mingyu’s impressed that he hasn’t fallen over to his side yet. The guy has great balance apparently. “We make out  _ all the time _ and he likes it, I know he does. Trust me.  _ Plus  _ I know he wanted to have sex with me. I can sense those kind of things.” His confidence is sickening. Mingyu sticks out an arm and pushes him back over to his side. Ignoring his protests, he immediately pulls up Google Docs to finish a paper for class. Maybe if he sees that he’s working hard, he’ll leave him alone and start working. Or at least find someone else to bother. 

Oh, now that’s a good idea! Especially when Mingyu isn’t in any position to inform Soonyoung about Wonwoo’s feelings. But he has just the person who can make Soonyoung realize what’s going on. “Ask Minghao. Didn’t you have a thing with him going on? He’d be able to tell you  why someone won’t have sex with you.” He waves Soonyoung away. “I really have to finish this, but if you have any startling revelations about why Wonwoo doesn’t want to have sex with you, then let me know.” 

“Minghao!” Soonyoung snaps his fingers. Suddenly, it is like Mingyu isn’t there. This must be what it is like to have the attention span of a Chihuahua. “I’ll see you later.” He peeks over the divider to wave at him, blowing him a kiss before running off through the office in search of Minghao. 

Sighing, Mingyu continues to work on his paper. “He’ll never work it out himself, will he?” Seungkwan asks from his other side and he laughs, shaking his head even though Seungkwan can’t see him. 

“No, he’s hopeless. Let’s hope Minghao knocks some sense into him.” He smiles despite the hopeless situation. If anyone can turn the cogs in Soonyoung’s head manually, it’s Minghao. Mingyu blindly trusts in his best friend. There’s no way that Soonyoung will misunderstand Wonwoo’s feelings after he talks to Minghao. Finally, the years of watching the tragedy that is Wonwoo and Soonyoung might finally come to an end. 

Mingyu just hopes the ending is happy. 

 

“He’s in love with you,” Minghao says, not even looking up from his phone. 

Soonyoung blinks dumbly, tilting his head in a way that is infuriatingly cute. It reminds Minghao why they used to be a thing. However short-lived that ended up being. “Who?” Without looking, Minghao knows that he’s pouting, can see him out of his peripheral. “Are you talking to your BL manga right now? You do that sometimes. It doesn’t matter if you deny it. I’ve heard you whispering while reading it before.” 

A stapler flies through the air towards Soonyoung and he dodges it professionally. This is a dance he’s known for years. “I don’t fucking do that. I’ve never done that before.” He grumbles, finally putting his phone down. That might have been the point of Soonyoung’s teasing, but Minghao doesn’t stop to linger on that thought because he hates it when Soonyoung ends up winning. 

They both roll their eyes which ends up in them laughing at each other. 

“Anyways,” Minghao shakes his head, hair a faded pink. “Wonwoo. He’s the one in love with you.” 

There are a couple of things that make perfect sense in Soonyoung’s mind, but this seems a bit preposterous. For Minghao to assume such a thing without knowing the situation irritates him a little. Wonwoo, his best friend in the whole, wide world, can’t just be in love with him. If he was, then Soonyoung would have noticed by now. How could he miss something like that? Sure, Wonwoo hasn’t dated much, or really at all, but he’s always been a quiet type. It’s always been hard for him to find someone he really likes. But that’s not because of Soonyoung. 

Is it?    
How would Minghao know?

“Why would you say something like that?” Soonyoung’s nose scrunches up in confusion. The action is so cute that Minghao can’t resist leaning forward to poke his nose which is a bad decision because it further irritates Soonyoung. He leans back out of Minghao’s reach. “No, really,” he whines, frowning so hard that his brow furrows. “Why would you say something like that? It isn’t funny.” 

Minghao shrugs, unaffected by Soonyoung’s irritation. “It isn’t funny. I said it though because it’s obvious to anyone with eyes. Has been for awhile.” 

Except, it isn’t obvious to Soonyoung. It never has been. This whole conversation is aggravating him because he doesn’t get it.  _ If  _ Wonwoo was in love with him, then how could he have missed all the signs? He’s never had trouble telling when someone was interested in him before. When Minghao was crushing on him, he had been able to tell by the way he leaned in closer whenever they were talking; by the way he gave him gifts unexpectedly; by the way he was always touching him. With others, there were signs. With Wonwoo? Nothing comes to mind. 

It doesn’t matter that Wonwoo does all that because he’s been that way for  _ years _ . It isn’t like that he’s been in love with him for awhile, if he’s even in love with him at all. They are just best friends. No one knows him as well as Wonwoo knows him. Plus Soonyoung’s really clingy, so it isn’t surprising that they are touchy with one another. Soonyoung can’t wrap his head around Minghao’s assertion. It’d be different if Wonwoo had started to act oddly recently, but he hadn’t. Nothing’s changed between them. Calling off their agreement didn’t count because he could have done that for any reason. It was a weird arrangement. Not everyone was able to have casual sex with their best friend that they’ve known since childhood. 

“Stop thinking so hard about it.” Minghao flicks him on the forehead. “Your brain doesn’t work half the time anyway, so it doesn’t matter that you can’t come to terms with this. To everyone else, it is so obvious that it hurts.” 

Soonyoung shakes his head, “It isn’t obvious though… Wonwoo…” He’s definitely already in denial over it. At this point, it doesn’t matter if Minghao is right or wrong because he refuses to believe in the possibility. “He doesn’t.” 

“I’m not spelling it out for you. I honestly don’t know how you aren’t getting it. You might not believe me, but it is just a simple fact. Just the same as me saying that we breathe air. Jeon Wonwoo is completely in love with you.” There’s annoyance in Minghao’s tone that Soonyoung tries to ignore. If he could, then he’d ignore this whole conversation, but he chose to go to Minghao for help. This is what he had asked for, even if it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. Minghao could read others professionally, but apparently he couldn’t understand Wonwoo. It is a little disappointing, especially when he trusted Minghao’s opinion on so many other things. 

In the end, it was Soonyoung’s fault for expecting too much out of Minghao. That had been the fault of their relationship too.

When Soonyoung opens his mouth to reply, Minghao puts a hand up. “I don’t want to hear whatever pitiful excuse you are about to give me. If you don’t want to believe the truth, then that’s on you. I’m warning you before this all blows up, because trust me, it will. You aren’t going to let this go. You don’t let anything go and that’s why things end up complicated and messy.” He bites down on the inside of his cheek and looks away from Soonyoung. In the silence, Soonyoung should speak up, stand up for himself, but he knows he’s not going to. Not with Minghao. “I just hope you can work out your feelings for Wonwoo before you two end up hurting each other.” 

“My feelings—?” Soonyoung starts. 

“—for Wonwoo,” finishes Minghao. 

His feelings for Wonwoo? Well, they’ve always been platonic. From the beginning, they were best friends. No one else knows Soonyoung so completely and accepts him for all his various flaws. Honestly, Wonwoo is Soonyoung’s ultimate favorite person. All his free time is spent with Wonwoo, and he has been known to cancel plans whenever Wonwoo’s having a bad day. Does that mean he likes Wonwoo more than a friend? Soonyoung doesn’t think so. If he had liked Wonwoo, then he would know. Kissing him would be different. 

Is kissing him different?

Immediately, he wonders if kissing Wonwoo is different and Soonyoung just can’t tell because he’s never looked for it. Kissing Wonwoo is  _ nice _ , he knows that much. But is it  _ different _ ? Does it make Soonyoung feel something? He doesn’t think so, but he isn’t sure. His chest feels tight and warm at just the memory of kissing Wonwoo last night, but he doesn’t think that means much. Soonyoung’s especially sensitive. Should he try to kiss Wonwoo tonight? Will that give him any insight on the state of his feelings? He’s sure that his feelings are just platonic, but… It wouldn’t hurt to make sure, right? He needed to be sure about this. Plus, if he made sure, then he would be able to prove Minghao wrong. 

Because Minghao  _ was  _ wrong. There was no way that Wonwoo had feelings for him. All Soonyoung had to do was prove it, which would be easy. After work, he’d go home and he’d kiss Wonwoo and pay attention. If he was in love with him, then he’d feel it. He just needed to pay more attention was all. Before he hadn’t looked close enough to recall what it felt like, but tonight he’d make himself understand Wonwoo’s true feelings. 

“I’m not in love with my best friend,” Soonyoung bites out finally, but he’s aware of how his voice quivers. But why would it? If he’s so sure of his feelings, then why did he sound so  _ un _ sure? Minghao looks smug, sitting across from him with a smile that says everything and more. “I’m not,” he feels the need to defend himself. 

Shrugging, Minghao gets back on his phone. “Sounds like something you might need to figure out.” 

And he’s right. It is something that Soonyoung needs to figure out. Stat. 

 

“Let’s order a pizza,” Wonwoo announces from the bedroom adjoining the bathroom. Over the spray of the water, Soonyoung is lucky he can hear him at all. As far as his plan goes, he’s not doing too well, but he’s only been home for two hours. Maybe dinner is what Soonyoung needs to regroup, collect himself, before suggesting that they make out spontaneously. Does Soonyoung want to make out after eating something tasting like garlic? Is pizza the right decision? They could cook a meal together and Soonyoung could make sure that there’s nothing smelly going on…

He’s overthinking it. 

If it doesn’t matter to him, then he has to act like it doesn’t matter. They have made out after eating tons of smelly, lingering things. Really, there’s no need for him to worry about  _ pizza _ . “Sure! I want the usual,” he yells back, turning away from the water to rinse his hair out. “How long do you think it’ll take?” 

“It’s Tuesday,” Wonwoo’s voice is suddenly closer. He’s probably at the doorway, but that doesn’t matter to Soonyoung. They’ve seen each other naked before. Nothing has changed between them. Just because Minghao made some assumptions doesn’t mean they are true. Still though, Soonyoung can’t get them out of his head. His sudden proximity startles him unnecessarily. “I think it’ll probably take twenty minutes. Why? Did you need to do something before dinner? I can hold off making the order for a couple minutes.” 

More than anything, he’s stalling as he tries to think of how tonight will go. Wonwoo’s never said no to a little bit of kissing, but he wonders if today is different. Today Soonyoung is acting strangely and they are getting pizza which is different for a Tuesday and there’s only a one-seventh chance that it is a Tuesday and—

He’s seriously overthinking it. 

“No, I’m just starving. You can go ahead and put the order in. I’ll be out in a second.” He answers as he rinses off. Hopefully, Wonwoo doesn’t notice that he’s acting stranger than usual. If he does though, then Soonyoung can just play it off as stress. Right?

Actually… That might be a good idea. If he plays it off as stress, then Wonwoo won’t suspect any underlying intentions. The last thing that Soonyoung wants is for Wonwoo to know he’s thinking about their feelings for each other. Sure, it might be easier if they just talked about it, but there’s no way that Wonwoo’s feelings even exist. If they did, then Soonyoung would have been able to tell. In this regard, he’s stubborn. This isn’t something he’s just going to let go. 

Soonyoung finishes his shower in silence, wrapping a towel around his hips when he’s finished drying off. All is well until he tries to leave the bathroom and Wonwoo is laying on the bed with his laptop on the edge of it. It feels like this is a final boss battle that Soonyoung’s unprepared for. He didn’t even save before the cutscene so now he’ll have to start over from his last savepoint if he fails. 

“Junhui bought a cat… I wish  _ we  _ could buy a cat,” Wonwoo is pouting, not looking up from the laptop as he clicks on a couple things. When Wonwoo does look over at him, his gaze doesn’t linger like Soonyoung would expect it to if Wonwoo had the hots for him. Instead, Wonwoo just holds his computer screen up and shows Soonyoung a grey tabby kitten  that is presumably Junhui’s new cat. It is undeniably cute, but doesn’t change the fact that their building contract doesn’t allow animals of any kind. What a stupid rule. Soonyoung needed to find a better place for Wonwoo: one where he can buy as many cats as his heart desires. 

Smiling in response, Soonyoung walks over to the closet. “We can smuggle a cat in, but I don’t know why you think you need one when you feed half of the neighborhood strays.” Just this afternoon, Soonyoung had caught him feeding a couple of them from his hand. The sight itself had warmed Soonyoung up from the frosty air. Wonwoo’s heart was way bigger than anyone could imagine. The love he had in him overflowed often, but strangers only saw the quiet mysterious side of him. To Soonyoung, that was just an outer layer that hid the wonderful person that was Jeon Wonwoo. Naturally, he was shyer. If they had met later in life, then Soonyoung doesn’t know if they would have ended up friends since Wonwoo tended to exist in the background. 

But Wonwoo was never really met to be a background character. He’s too complex. There’s so much depth to his personality that Soonyoung feels like he’s constantly drowning in new information. Fourteen years with him and he still discovers something new almost daily. Today, he’s discovering that there’s a sensitivity to Wonwoo  that he’s never properly appreciated. Why hadn’t he noticed before how beautiful Wonwoo can be when he’s caught in the moment? In between his ribs, there’s a tingling that he can’t ignore, but he forces himself to as he pulls a shirt off the hanger to slip on and goes to get the rest of his clothes from the dresser. 

“I should start a campaign to save all these strays… if we lived somewhere else, then we’d take them all in and pay for their vet bills.” Wonwoo’s voice is quiet as his fingers tap out over the keys. In his tone, Soonyoung can sense how upset he is. Even if he’s not going into it all the way, just cracking the surface makes Wonwoo emotional. That’s a thing that Soonyoung could never ignore about Wonwoo: his passion. 

“One day,” he says on his way to the bathroom to finish changing. “One day we’ll be able to have a place of our own where no one can tell us what to do or what not to do. It’ll just be ours.” 

The gravity of his words don’t sink in until the bathroom door is shut and he’s pressed up against it. His heart is suddenly in his throat as he realizes what he’s so easily promising: a future. Specifically, a future with Wonwoo. Nothing in his mind told him to entertain the fact that they could find other people and move away from each other. Uncomfortably, his chest rises and falls as he forgets how to breathe. It feels like his lungs have collapsed in on his heart. Minghao’s voice is still ringing in his ears.  _ I hope you can work out your feelings for Wonwoo…  _

Maybe he doesn’t need to kiss him to figure it out. 

 

The pizza is cold when it gets there, but they still eat it. “Reminds me of college days,” Soonyoung laughs as he plates a piece and moves into the living room where Wonwoo is already sitting on the couch, pulling up Netflix.  _ New Girl  _ has become a bit of an obsession for them. Soonyoung knows that Wonwoo isn’t as invested in it, but he still watches it faithfully with him. He starts the episode as soon as Soonyoung enters the room. 

“Yeah?” In college, they hadn’t been roommates, but they had lived right next to each other. Wonwoo’s parents had wanted them to put distance between each other, so they put one whole wall up. Nothing was accomplished by it. They still spent all their time together. Every night, Soonyoung would end up in Wonwoo’s room or vice versa. Sometimes they would fall asleep together too. Joshua, Soonyoung’s roommate, had always said that there was more to their relationship than either let on, but Soonyoung would always deny it. 

However, he’s not so sure if he would deny it now. “Yeah,” he nods, lifting his slice to his mouth. As a precaution, he blows on it, but then remembers that it has already cooled. He takes a bite and blanches at the taste. It isn’t unenjoyable, but he wishes it were hot. Maybe he should nuke them. “We’d always order too much pizza and then have to eat the leftovers. We always forgot that we didn’t have a microwave and had to eat it cold.” 

Beside him, Wonwoo laughs, taking a bite out of his own food. “Animals. We stopped practicing rational thought outside of our classrooms.” He shakes his head, smiling to himself. His happiness is infectious and Soonyoung finds himself grinning stupidly, cheeks already hurting. 

“It was nice though,” Soonyoung admits, looking down at his plate. “I miss when we didn’t have to worry so much. Everything just felt so much easier when we were in college.” It feels nice to be able to reminisce with Wonwoo, and the best part was that Soonyoung could bring up fourteen years of memories. College wasn’t the only memory they shared. They had years of schooling, of struggling, of happiness. For that, Soonyoung was grateful. He wondered how many others had the chance to have a lifelong best friend. It really was a blessing. 

Humming, Wonwoo leans forward to put his half-eaten pizza down on the coffee table so that he can turn his attention towards Soonyoung. “Things aren’t so hard now, but I think it was easier back then too.” 

Soonyoung wishes that he could read minds, just for a minute so he could tell what Wonwoo is thinking about when he says that. For Soonyoung, he’s thinking of that time when they climbed onto the roof of the science building and used the telescopes without permission from their professor. It had been cold that night, but Wonwoo held his hand in a way that made Soonyoung feel like they were on the cusp of something more. That night hadn’t been their first kiss, but it had weighed so heavy. It almost felt like there was a veil around them, shielding them from the reality of their feelings. If Soonyoung could go back to that rooftop, he’d be in love with Wonwoo. 

Except that night ended with them laying on the same bed, watching the same shows, and nothing had really changed all that much. When they woke up, it was another day. No one mentioned that night. Soonyoung wonders if Wonwoo hated it even though he had been the one to lean in for the kiss. Had he forgotten about it by now? 

“Remember when you taught me the constellations?” Soonyoung whispers, putting his own plate down. As he moves, he notices that his hands are shaking. “Do you think you could teach me again sometime?” 

They don’t own a telescope, so the confusion on Wonwoo’s face is obvious. But Soonyoung doesn’t need a telescope to learn the constellations. He takes this as his opportunity, leaning in closer to Wonwoo’s gravity. Once he’s caught in it, he’s pulled closer. “Show me Orion.” His voice dips low as his gaze flits down to Wonwoo’s lips.

Time freezes, or at least, it feels like it does. Neither move even though their gravity has a hold on them. It is so easy to forget that they are in their living room, eating pizza and watching  _ New Girl _ when they are this close. That veil that had existed so many years ago, covers them once again. Soonyoung can feel it now. The air around them is suddenly heavier.  It is hard to breathe. 

It is like Soonyoung is sitting in total darkness.    
Wonwoo moves closer and all the lights are turned on instantly. 

But Soonyoung’s greedy, so he might have his answer, but he wants more. Their lips meet, but this time there’s a trembling, hesitant emotion that Soonyoung’s not familiar with. It takes him too long to realize that it is dripping from his lips, making his whole body shake. “Nonu,” he whines pitifully against his lips. His tone drags Wonwoo back to reality. Immediately, he pulls away and Soonyoung feels the loss. It isn’t enough to stop him though. “Will you not have sex with me because you have feelings for me?” 

Within milliseconds, Sooyoung realizes his mistake. The words can’t be taken back though, so he just watches the way that Wonwoo’s eyes grow wide; the way he backs up and makes himself seem smaller on the couch; the way he starts to tremble in what Soonyoung thinks is fear. “What?” He asks, looking away desperately. 

“Nevermind.” This might be a bigger mistake, but he can’t handle the look in Wonwoo’s eyes. Because he doesn’t know what to do, he shuts this down. “I have to go, but I’ll be back later.” Something tells him not to leave, but he can’t stay. Before Wonwoo can respond, his lips are at his cheek. It is a goodbye, but only Wonwoo knows it. 

It takes Soonyoung seventy heartbeats to cross the room and shut the door behind them. 

 

“Tell me you didn’t fucking leave him at home,” Usually, on most days, Joshua is not very threatening, but while slightly annoyed and holding a kitchen knife, he’s extremely threatening. “Gyu, tell him that’s fucked up.” 

Mingyu is chopping an onion, looking busier than he should. “Important cooking business going on here.” 

“My heart won’t stop beating—!” In frustration, Soonyoung stomps his foot. The action is childish, but Joshua must be too used to dealing with him because he doesn’t even stop to react. Mingyu keeps cutting the onion while Joshua cubes the meat. 

“No fucking shit, Sherlock.” Joshua rolls his eyes. “That’s what hearts do.” 

“I think I’m in love with him, Josh!” To him, this is a huge realization. The earth should tear underneath his feet from the significance of it, but nothing happens. Mingyu asks for the olive oil and Joshua hands it over to him. It is almost like they are ignoring Soonyoung, but they couldn’t possibly be doing that. 

They’re just bad at multitasking. Yeah, that’s totally it. 

“Say something!” Soonyoung demands, pouting a bit. 

“Gyu, he can think!” Mocking excitement, Joshua reaches out attentively to shake Mingyu’s shoulder, considering carefully the fact that the other man is holding a knife. “It has only taken him twenty-seven years!” 

His teasing only causes the pout on Soonyoung’s face to deepen. Mingyu laughs, shaking his head as he turns towards Soonyoung. Clearly, Mingyu is his only friend in this house. As he wipes his hands on the “Caution: Extremely Hot” apron he’s wearing, Soonyoung waits patiently to hear what he hopes will be praise from figuring out such a crucial detail about his life. 

What he gets isn’t really praise. 

“Soonyoung, what possessed you when you thought that leaving him was the right answer just then?” He says instead. His words hit him hard in the chest, like a brick. It takes him a minute to remember that he needs to breathe. Realization dawns on him that his actions have consequences which is something that should have never left his mind. “If I were you, I’d be heading back home now. And I’d be praying that he’s still there. I’m happy for you realizing your feelings, but you have to understand that he’s not realizing his. He already knows his. When you walked out, I don’t know how he felt, but it couldn’t have been good.” 

Joshua nods, finally serious as he places his knife into the sink. “You don’t just kiss your best friend, ask him if he has feelings for you, then leave before he can answer. That’s not right, Soonyoung. If you love him, then why break his heart like this?” Joshua places his hands on his hips and looks expectantly at Soonyoung. It all really starts to make sense and Soonyoung feels like the biggest idiot in the world. 

His feet are carrying him to the door before he can even realize what’s happening. Suddenly, his body is on autopilot because his heart knows what it wants. It might have known all along. “I’m going to fix this,” he says with desperation coating his tone. “I love him. I can’t lose him now.” 

The expectation in Joshua’s gaze is gone because it has finally been realized. “Go get your man.” He holds up a fist, wishing him good luck before he goes. 

“Thank you,” he bows quickly, hands grappling for the door. “I’ll fix this.” 

“Less words, more action,” Mingyu urges, smile bright. A surge of confidence shoots through Soonyoung at the sight of it. He might be able to fix this. If it isn’t already too broken, then he’ll be able to go home and fix this. The last thing he wants is for his relationship with Wonwoo to become strained because of a misunderstanding. When he gets home, he’ll be able to tell Wonwoo just how he feels about him. This can be a new chapter in their lives. 

 

It all makes sense now that he’s able to put the whole puzzle together. Or, maybe it sort of makes sense, at least. Wonwoo’s feelings go against their preconceived agreement. Throughout their whole lives, they’ve never lied to each other. Except for awhile, Wonwoo has been lying to him… Well, not lying since they’ve never talked about feelings before, but still. Soonyoung feels like this is a big thing to keep from a best friend. What did Wonwoo accomplish by hiding his feelings? 

In his shoes, Soonyoung would have been vocal about it. Now that he’s realized his feelings, he wants to be able to tell Wonwoo. Would it be different if he wasn’t sure if Wonwoo liked him back? Does knowing Wonwoo’s feelings make up for the lack of confidence he might have? He thought that after getting confirmation of Wonwoo’s feelings towards him, they would both need time to collect themselves, but Mingyu and Joshua had knocked some sense into him. Validation is what they both need. A long talk. Soonyoung might need to cry a little because it has always felt like coming home when he walks through the door and sees Wonwoo watching some movie or reading a book, but now he gets why. 

When he walks through the door today though, his heart falls through the earth. 

“What… are you doing?” Soonyoung fumbles for words, hands feeling useless at his sides as he steps forward. He almost literally runs into Wonwoo who has a small suitcase in his hands. “Where are you going?” His voice cracks, showing a weakness that he doesn’t mean to show. This action stings more than it should, but Mingyu’s voice rings in his ears and reminds him to stay grounded in the moment. 

Wonwoo’s eyes are red and puffy, but Soonyoung tries not to think about it too much. He’s wearing a harried look that makes Soonyoung want to pull him close and hold him until everything clicks into place for them. This is a pivotal moment, but can Wonwoo feel that? Is it just Soonyoung? 

“Don’t answer actually,” whispers Soonyoung, reaching out to take the bag away from him. “I have something that I want to say.” There’s a lump in his throat, but when he’s not looking at Wonwoo, it is easier to talk about his feelings. Why is he nervous? Wonwoo loves him, so there’s no way that he’ll deny his feelings. Still though, Soonyoung feels like he is on the cusp of rejection. “...Something that took awhile to realize.” He continues, finally looking back at Wonwoo. He doesn’t move away from the door though, because he’s scared that the instance he moves is the same as the one where he loses Wonwoo for good. “I like you,” he says, not breaking eye contact with him. 

Predictably, Wonwoo looks away. There’s hurt on his face, but Soonyoung doesn’t understand why. 

“Don’t mock my feelings, Soonyoung. Just because you figured it out doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to reciprocate them.” His tone is harsh, but Soonyoung knows that he doesn’t mean what he’s saying. Never would he just assume that Soonyoung was playing with his feelings by pitying him. Wonwoo isn’t like that. Soonyoung knows him better than that. This is all just a defense. “Just let me go, I’ll spend a couple of days with Jun to clear my head.” 

That hits Soonyoung hard. “You think a weekend away can make you fall out of love?” He steps closer, tone sharp. Wonwoo takes a step back, but it isn’t out of fear. It might be surprise. 

“You think I’m in love with you?” He shoots back, tilting his head to the side as he scoffs. 

“Kiss me again and prove me wrong,” he holds his arms out to the side. The gesture is a little dramatic, but he can’t stand fighting with him. All he really wants is to be able to kiss him like he always has. Nothing should change between them. It has always been easy between them, so why is this so hard? Soonyoung knows the words he needs to say, but his hands itch for defiance. It’s been too long since they’ve fought. This is a dance that is a little more complicated; one that Soonyoung isn’t quite familiar with. 

The challenge isn’t real, shouldn’t be real, but Wonwoo still bites. 

His lips part easily, needy whimper escaping into the air between them. It gives Wonwoo enough confidence to put his hands on him. This kiss is different. The energy is charged. His lips feel the blinding white heat of desire. It tastes like what Soonyoung thinks is love. “Nonu, Nonu,” he hits his chest, no actual strength behind the strikes. He pushes Wonwoo away when he wants to pull him closer. 

When he finally pulls back, Soonyoung has tears in his eyes. “I love you, you absolute fucking idiot. Just because I didn’t realize it until now doesn’t mean that it isn’t true.” He inhales shakily, putting space between them. “My feelings aren’t fucking  _ fabricated _ . I don’t  _ pity  _ you. You might have been carrying this for years, and I get that, but I’ve been carrying it for days and it is so heavy that my bones might just break. I don’t know why it took me this long to realize it. I guess I’m a fucking idiot too.” 

He doesn’t realize that he’s shaking until Wonwoo reaches out to comfort him and he falls into his embrace. 

There aren’t any appropriate words for the situation. Just tears. Soonyoung wants to be held forever, just like always. He wants to keep coming home to Wonwoo. Nothing has to change between them because it could just be how it has always been. Why does it have to change? This has always been good, always been happy. Soonyoung is so scared that it’ll change irrevocably now. “I don’t care if you have sex with me or not,” Soonyoung bawls. 

It’s probably endearing. Wonwoo laughs underneath his breath. “I know. We had that established.” 

“I just thought you thought that I was ugly or something.” Honestly, he’s inconsolable, but Wonwoo still holds him on the floor at their doorway. “You don’t think I’m ugly, right?” 

Again, Wonwoo laughs, shaking his head. “I don’t think you’re ugly. Not at all.” 

“Not even my crying face?” He hiccups, eyes sad crescents as his tears rain down. 

“Maybe your crying face is a little ugly,” Wonwoo brushes his fingers through his hair, but it does nothing to calm him down. Their positions should be swapped, but Soonyoung’s always been the delicate one. On the outside, he seems so strong, but he breaks down in the blink of an eye. This is a part of him that only Wonwoo really knows. When Soonyoung wails a little louder at Wonwoo’s comment, they both start laughing. “Your crying face is really ugly.” 

“Yours is worse,” Soonyoung says, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. “Have you always been home?” 

Tilting his head, Wonwoo’s eyes narrow in thought, trying to process Soonyoung’s woeful question. “What do you mean?” His voice is soft, fearful that Soonyoung might just break down again if the wrong thing is said. 

Pitifully, while wiping the snot from his nose with his sleeve, Soonyoung looks at Wonwoo like he’s his whole world. “Have you always been home, for me? I keep thinking about it and it started before this. This feeling.” His words are erratic, but Wonwoo understands what he’s saying. “Has seeing you always been like coming home? Because I think it has.” 

Wonwoo shakes his head, presses a kiss to the crown on his head, and holds him a little bit closer. “To think you realized you were in love with me because I wouldn’t have sex with you.” 

“I know.” Immediately, he starts wailing again, hiding his face in the crook of Wonwoo’s neck as he cries. “I’m an idiot!” On the floor of their home, Soonyoung cries and they cling to each other as tightly as they can. 

“I’m  _ your  _ idiot.” He amends. “Why is Minghao always right?” 

Chuckling, Wonwoo nods. “You are, you are my idiot.” There’s a thick coat of fondness in his voice. If Soonyoung didn’t know him so well, he would be able to miss the way his tone turns watery. He wants to cry, but he’s stronger than Soonyoung is, so he won’t cry. “I don’t know what Minghao said or did, but he’s just a genius.” 

Into his neck, Soonyoung sobs. “I know.” All Wonwoo wants is for him to stop crying. “Never try to leave again.” 

“I won’t,” Wonwoo promises. “You’ll never be homeless.” 

Soonyoung believes him, but he still tightens his hold on him. When he speaks again, his voice is just a whisper. “You’ll always be home.” 


End file.
